If the GOP Primary was Counter-strike: Global Offensive..

If you don’t know what CS:GO is, start with a few minutes on Youtube to get a feel for it.  Or just log onto any XBox live game where people have headsets for talking and wait. Once you have a sense of it, re-watch the last GOP debate, then dive on in.

John Kasich, Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz and Chris Christie are the guys who have been playing since Source, and know the game inside and out. Perry can’t play anymore because he can’t afford internet, and no one wants to play with Walker because he’s got a pile of VAC bans on his account from games he plays with his buddies back home. Marco Rubio is the kid in college, neglecting his assigned studies because he just wants to play with the ‘elite players’ all day. Jeb is the crusty veteran who’s been playing since beta 1 and is just fuckin’ irritated at everyone because nothing works the way it used to, but he still expects to be winning because he’s been playing the longest. Carly is the token girl that everyone is trying to be nice to, but secretly, they’re gunning for her twice as hard because they’re all old school and can’t be shown up by *cough* a girl. Donald Trump would be the 12 year old that just won’t stop talking, but there’s no admin around to boot him, and if you mute him, he just talks shit about you to everyone else. And he’s made a fortune trading skins and will tell you alllll about it.

Scattered in here are a few other familiar players, like Lindsey Graham and Bobby Jindal, but there are currently over one thousand candidates registered for the 2016 presidency race. So even though there’s potential for lots of matches and back and forth, only matches between the best of the best / best of the rest are being televised. Even so, it’s still a lot like playing casual. A lot of back and forth on the comms, but no substantive movement toward defusing the bomb.

Ben Carson just picked the game up a few weeks ago, but will only play Counter-Terrorist because Muslims.